Torn Between Two Sides
by MerlinOfTheShire
Summary: Ben Solo fell for the dark side as he found it easier to feel anger, fear and hatred then the peace, love and qualities of the light side. He was drawn to its power. He became Kylo. But Ben Solo was still there, and he was never really Vader behind Kylo's mask. He could never just use dark or light, he needed both. He wanted to be free. He could never be free.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is based on a fan art by iscawen on Tumblr and a text post by Brad Meltzer on twitter and I found it quite interesting as it a complete possibility considering the way that he thinks.**

 **Also. I wonder what would happen if Ben trained to be a Gray Jedi.**

 **I finished writing this a 2:00, so it is unedited. I just wanted to post it.**

 **"Patience!" Yells Yoda**

 **No.**

* * *

The power is what attracted Ben Solo to the dark side first. He admired his grandfather for it. But it wasn't really Anakin Skywalker he admired; it was Darth Vader and the power that he wielded. Anakin was never really anything in Ben's eyes, just a man who failed in the end. A man who fell to a weaker side before death, leaving Darth Vader's power and work behind, ready for Ben to finish it and gain ultimate power. It's what drew Ben to the dark side.

Ben was strong with the force, yes. But just not quite as strong in the mind. The force has two sides that make one whole; light and dark. One could not be without the other. The light was fuelled by unconditional love, calmness; peace. The dark was fuelled by hate, fear, and anger. Emotions which are much easier to feel and use than those of the light. The light took everything that it gave. And what it gave took time to develop, but they could disappear in a heartbeat. This is why Ben fell to the dark side; he found it hard to feel the light side of the force, and much easier to feel anger, fear and hatred in order to use the force to its full power.

Ben could not use the light side of the force with enough strength, and felt his power would come from the strength of the force. Like so many before him, he tried to use only one side. The dark side. A side that he did not truly belongs too. But he felt he did not really belong on the light either.

But the force was not meant to be split into two sides. It was not meant for only the light to be used by one side, and the dark the other. There can be no balance in the force if only one side is felt. They both needed to be felt, but the dark side could not be allowed to grow stronger. Not because the light should be more powerful, because that would bring unbalance, but because the dark side was easier to use, and grew stronger equally as so.

Ben could not see this, though. But he did feel it.

He tried to forget Ben Solo and be Kylo Ren, a name given to him by Supreme Leader Snoke, his master. He demanded that in order to truly be one with the dark side, Ben must not have a name that connects him to when he was with the light. Ben liked it; he thought it made him more like Vader, who too had changed his name, but not by his own choice. Vader's master had given it to him.

And so he became Kylo Ren, and Ben Solo was forgotten.

But he never really was.

Ben spent so long, and so much energy trying to replicate Darth Vader, trying to be Kylo Ren. He styled his clothes like him; he tried to follow Vader's actions by replicating them. He even wore a mask like him. A mask that covered the truth. Ben tried so hard to be Kylo, who was trying to be Vader. But he also messed up at that quite a lot, because Darth Vader was not Kylo Ren, and Kylo Ren was not Ben Solo.

When Ben was wearing the mask, he succeeded in giving off an intimidating, Vader like appearance. He was doing his best to more like his grandfather, now because he idolized him. He saw him as a symbol of what he should be. He wanted to be him. But he was slipping, he couldn't do it. He found himself constantly struggling with the pull of the light and who he really was. But he had stashed Ben inside a long time ago in an attempt to be forgotten so the struggle might stop.

But Ben was still there.

Kylo felt that every action he did was being watched and judged, not only by Snoke but by his grandfather. He felt that every time he felt Ben Solo and the light, and he was failing them both. He began to use his grandfather's mask as a way of asking for forgiveness and help. He knew it was just a mask, but he felt that if he continued to talk to it, it would be like talking to his grandfather. But it was never really his grandfather he talked to, but Anakin, who only wanted to fight off the power and seduction that his Vader self-has brought. However, the more Kylo attempted to kill the light and fight of their feelings, the more he felt it. And that frightened him.

Then there was the girl. She had the force like Kylo, but he knew she was stronger. He wasn't sure how. Kylo made what he believed to be his biggest mistake when he took his mask off, and his true nature was revealed. He had spent so long not guarding his expressions with the mask on, that as soon as the girl saw his face she read him like an open book.

What many expected to be the face of a war-hardened killer, was really the face of a boy, torn between two sides.

Kylo knew she could see, especially when she overpowered him with the force. She made him feel so angry at first. She claimed that Kylo was only afraid that he would never truly have as much power as his grandfather, or ever be him. But what made Kylo angry was that she was right, he was afraid of that and she knew it. Kylo was angry that he was afraid, and he was scared because of that, and so the cycle repeated. And the darkness of the force came to him.

But, trying to be somebody else never works, it risks losing sight of you and what you truly believe and think. The more Kylo tried to be Vader, the more the struggle grew. It was his weakness.

Snoke noticed this weakness and warned Kylo of the seduction the light may bring, and how his father would be the biggest threat. And so Kylo thought that if he killed his father, his suffering would end. He would not feel the light, he would be Vader, and he would be free.

When the moment came, and Kylo's father confronted him. He felt anger at being called by his birth name. Ben. It reminded him of his struggle. Kylo only had to end the one who gave it to him for it to mean nothing anymore, and so Han Solo's fate was sealed. Kylo told Han that Ben was dead, but he wasn't yet. Ben told Han of how he felt he was being torn apart, how wanted it to end. He asked Han to help him finish it.

Han fell, dead.

Freedom is not what Kylo felt. He felt pain. And fear because he felt pain, and regret from what caused the pain. He just wanted to be free. But he was even more torn than before. Ben was never going to leave. He was terrified and afraid it would show. He could not let Snoke know, he would kill him if he realised that he had failed again.

He needed to finish Vader's work. He could not be Ben. Ben was weak. Ben was light. He was Ben.

Kylo did not realise it, but in his attempt to stop out Ben Solo and create a mirror of Vader to find satisfaction, he was only strengthening the struggle. Every time somebody assured him he was like Vader, compared him to Vader, he clung on to it desperately, because as soon as something of Ben Solo showed through, the pull between two sides grew stronger.

One side he was trying to fit into by proving himself a worthy successor or Vader, by being Vader. By not being Ben, by not using the light, which he so desperately needed.

The other side he also did not truly fit into, it had people who loved him for Ben, people who used the light and not the dark. But Ben needed the dark as much as he needed the light. He just found the dark easier. He still could not see clearly.

And so, weeks being pulled from the collapsing StarKiller Base, Kylo Ren sat in the shadows within one of the surviving ships, a harsh scar running across his face. He had etched an outline of his grandfather's mask into the wall. He stared at it glumly, knife in hand. He needed to end Ben Solo, he had caused him failure to many times.

"I have failed again grandfather," he said, twisting the knife around in his cold hands. "I am sorry, please forgive me. I thought it would end with the death of my father. It has not. I thought the darkness would grow of the pain I felt, but it is only the light that grows stronger, it tempts me still." He whispered, not wanting the people he sensed so often to hear.

Slowly, he stood, eyes glued to the mask of Vader. "I promise I will not fail again, I promise I will be as strong as you, I am a worthy successor, I can still complete your work," Kylo said, full of fear.

He raised his right arm to the mask and pressed it against the wall, just below the etching and the countless scratches his rage had caused. "I will not give you any less," he said, every bit of light in him screaming at him to stop. He raised his left hand towards his arm, knife bared shakily. Ben Solo was screaming inside him.

Kylo felt for anger, the fear and pain and allowed it to consume him. He reached out to the dark side of the force. It felt, odd. The light was with it. He did not know how. But it was. Kylo focused on the anger, and the fear. It grew stronger. It was enough. He moved his knifed hand down with the darkness of the force.

He screamed.

It was done.

But once again, the pull from both sides did not end.

Amongst his sobs, Kylo laughed madly. It would not end. He pulled his stub of an arm towards his body and cradled it as tears streamed down his face. Would he ever be free? Would the pull stop? Would the light ever die? Would he ever give in to the light? Would he ever be Vader? Would he ever be Ben Solo again?

Kylo did not know, but he felt a presence calling to him. A different belief, a different way of the force, he could not be sure of it though. He had never felt both sides of the force before. But it called to him.

And though Kylo could not feel it, not far away, but still very far, Anakin Skywalker cried for Ben Solo.


End file.
